The word of the day is sex. Parents and family members of certain discretions, turn away from this article because I am about to be extremely candid and the last thing I want is for you to look at me in a certain way once the family reunion comes around. Or you can read on; I am not your boss and it is your mind that is about to be rewired. Happy Reading!
Sex has always been a gray area for me; I’ve always put so much stock into the idea of having my first time with someone I love or deeply care about or my future husband (not necessarily on the wedding night). As far back as I could remember, my mind has been filled with fireworks from the countless happy endings of romantic comedies. That was the dream. That was how it’s supposed to go. That was the ideal. But now? I’m not so sure anymore. Sex can be about love and cherishing the body of your partner, but it doesn’t have to be just that. With consent, sex can be enjoyable and freeing and amazing.
A part of me feels like I’m withholding myself from these experiences because I have been choosing to wait for Mr. Right to come. What am I missing? Who am I missing out on? What if my future husband is out there waiting for me to take him to the back of a bar and make out with him, have him take me to his place and just do inexplicably dirty things to each other? Obviously, I would opt for a more enjoyable and “cleaner” experience, but you’re following the yellow brick road, right?
Recently, I decided to look back on my sexual exploits. Albeit scarce and with one guy (whose name shall hereon be called “Dummkopf” or “Dumm” for short), my exploits are extremely telling. My senior year of high school was my first and, so far, only experience with another man. Dumm and I were oddly attracted to each other, having clandestine meetings after school in his car (specifically, the back seat of his car). But as things became more serious (a term I use loosely because we were doing this casually) the stakes became higher.
Sex became an inevitability. Sex became unavoidable. Sex became something I feared. These are all things sex should never be. Dumm made sex inevitable. Every once and a while, I’d get the text that read: “We’re totally having sex today! We have to do it.” The language of false excitement and necessity gave me anxiety. Something I’ve had my entire life. But when the time came (and this is why I told my parents and family members not to read on) the gates closed, so to speak.
Figuratively, Gandalf stood there and yelled, “You shall not pass!”
Eventually, Dumm and I fizzled and went to different colleges. Never to hook up again…okay, there was one more time a year later, but still no sex.
Realizing this, I feel that I can approach the topic of sex from a different angle. Yes, I do want that experience of making love with the man that I love, but I don’t want to hold out for Mr. Right. I just want to live outside of my head for once and just be.
Sex shouldn’t be this binding. Unless you’re into it.