As far back as I can remember, people around me liked to comment on who I am. Not for the sake of helping me out, but for what felt like sport. Obviously, my harsh reactions outweighed the (I am hoping good) intent of these comments. When I was younger I didn’t really know to what these people were referring. It was mostly because I cried a lot or clung to my mother or avoided sports. Essentially, these comments were catered to my resistance of hegemonic masculinity (go younger me!). But as I grew up, these comments became both sharper and accurate. Family, friends, temporary paramours began to comment on how I looked, the topics I talked about, how seriously I took things, and thought I had a severe case of self-deprecation and low self-esteem.
I must admit, my self-esteem isn’t akin to the level of Tom Hanks or Bill Murray (I don’t really know if they do have high self-esteem, they just appear to be people who would. I mean look at them, they’re amazing!). I am well aware that I am not perfect and I have a lot to work on. I am also well aware to the fact that it gets to me sometimes when I can’t achieve a goal or I can’t accomplish a task. It’s human nature to get down on yourself. But that doesn’t mean I won’t stop fighting. In that sense, what I do have is high self-worth. In acknowledging my flaws, I know that I can do better. I can keep climbing and pushing. I am doing alright.
Now onto the humour part of all this.
I sometimes use self-deprecating humour. I comment on my flaws, blow them out of proportion, and make jokes out of them. If people feel the need to comment on who I am, why can’t I? Isn’t it the same thing as taking away their cannon fodder, so I don’t get blown to bits. In knowing my worth and my flaws, I’m not chipping away at myself. I’m reinforcing myself; making the bits that aren’t so great, stronger in their greatness. Even now I get so hesitant to post something on social media about my “lack of a social life” or my “lack of a job” because I feel it will somehow warrant a ridiculous response from someone who feels its their duty to help me get back on track.
Newsflash: I don’t need your help and I don’t care if I come off as whiny. If I want to say my being in bed at 9PM is the reason why I don’t have a social life, I will. Take it as a joke, because 8/10, that’s exactly what it is. My commenting on my lack of a job is also what helps me cope through the fact that I don’t have a job. It’s not that I’m not looking (because I am), it’s just that I need something to do while passing the time. Friends, family, former temporary paramours: I. AM. OKAY. But there’s no way in hell that I am retooling my brand of humour to make you feel comfortable around me. The day I do that, is the day that I start chipping away at myself and I hope that day never comes.
Oh, one more thing:
You bet your ass I spelled humour with a ‘u’, i’m pretentious like that.
(halfway through writing this, it became more of a reassurance to those around me than a definition of my humour…like and share if you agree!)